


Shattering My Reality

by Tara5



Category: Dan Howell - Fandom, Phan, Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF), Phil Lester - Fandom
Genre: A little, AU, Alternate Universe - High School, Be patient, Cute, Family Drama, Fluff, Happy Ending, I hate angst, I suppose, M/M, Maybe - Freeform, Phan Fluff, Phan Smut, SO MUCH FLUFF, Slow Burn, Smut, a tiny bit of angst, emo kinda, smut will come, tube rides
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-28
Updated: 2017-08-08
Packaged: 2018-09-20 10:47:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9487832
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tara5/pseuds/Tara5
Summary: Dan takes the tube home from school every day and can't help but notice the beautiful blue-eyed boy that gets on at the next station. Although he's cute (as HECK) Dan doesn't think anything will come of it until he finds a piece of paper in his pocket with a song title on it that can only come from the boy with the matching hairstyle to him.





	1. Beautiful Blue-Eyed Boy

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoy! ^.^
> 
> **I do not claim this is true, nor am I forcing Phan to be real / come out. This is purely a work of fiction**

# Chapter 1

Just like every other day, Dan walks on the last carriage of the tube at 16:10. And, just like every other day, he weeds himself through the group of people standing by the doors. He makes his way to the back of the carriage and goes to his regular standing spot that’s away from most of the crowds. Glancing at the other passengers, he takes his phone out his pocket to try passing the time of his long ride home. 

Dan sighs as he reads a text from his mother, the same one he receives so often at this time that he should come to expect it, “Have to work late. Please make dinner for you and Adrian” 

Dan’s mother seems to always be working late. She always promises to try be there more but she never is. His father is there even less. If he’s lucky, Dan will see him on the weekend. During the week, he leaves before Dan wakes up in the morning and arrives home while Dan is asleep (well, on Tumblr). He doesn’t mean to be unappreciative of his hardworking parents, but sometimes having them there for him is better than the unnecessarily fancy new dishwasher they’ll buy with the money they get from working late. 

He’s never really been close to his parents. They seem like the people that just don’t understand the minds of teenagers. It’s as if they have the movie stereotype in their head instead of making an effort to understand him. They tiptoe around him as if he’s going to explode at any time out of nowhere without realising he can clearly see through the forcefully polite small talk around the dinner table. 

After replying to his mum, he puts his phone back in pocket and scans the crowds. He always finds it interesting looking at the people around him. There’s the woman that always stands close the doors and constantly seems to be in a rush. Dan assumed a while ago that she’s in journalism due to the obnoxiously bright suits she always wears. 

There’s the old woman who comes into London every Tuesday to do her shopping. Dan can see her adjusting the bags on her lap, trying to make sure none of her precious groceries fall onto the floor. 

There is The Pretentious Jock, as Dan has calls him, who always wears a suit that Dan estimates costs over £200. He always takes a seat, never getting up for any pregnant women or old people like a normal person would, and talks loudly on his phone about how busy he is at work (he’s a manager at a branch of daddy’s Accounting Company even though he seems completely incompetent, always telling stories about shouting at people for not reason and watching porn in his office) but how excited he is about the upcoming plans for the weekend and getting “toooottally shitfaced”. Dan is also pretty sure he’s cheating on his long term girlfriend after hearing him talk to two different girls about how much he loves them and no one else. 

Dan sighs again and inspects the floor while the tube starts to move. The school day is playing back in his head: the Math test that he’s pretty sure he got an A in, listening painfully at break while his friends talk about the girls they want to bang (he finds those conversations excruciating due to their lack of any kind of substance). He thinks about the poem they’re studying in English: a slam poem called If Only Out Of Vanity by Stacy-Ann Chin ([ watch it here omg do it ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8t-ajU2defo)). He remembers wanting to google her when he gets home. He was mesmerised by her passion as she shouted the poem out, screaming her pride to the audience. 

Out of boredom, Dan gets his phone out again and opens Tumblr, mindlessly scrolling through the infinite pit of memes. Too absorbed in watching cats get jump-scared by cucumbers, Dan doesn’t notice the tube slowly pulling to a stop. A few people get off and on the carriage. Nothing seems to be out of place and Dan doesn’t look up once from his phone screen. He doesn’t notice that the doors are closing and that he had let go of rail he was holding onto. 

All of a sudden, the tube starts to move, catching Dan completely off guard. Because he has no co-ordination and apparently no handrail, Dan stumbles backwards, letting out a child-like yelp as he crashes into the back of the carriage, arms flailing. Utterly embarrassed, Dan busies himself with putting his phone into his pocket, hoping anyone who saw him has now looked away. With a red face, Dan looks up shyly to see if anyone caught him in the act of Being A Fail. 

In the first scan, he seems to have been lucky. He can’t find anyone looking in his direction or laughing at him. Out of the corner of his eye, a person catches his attention. He turns to look, and there is a boy who is probably a few years older than Dan with a matching haircut to his. His eyes are piercingly blue. Dan can’t help but think he is one of the most beautiful people he has ever seen. Scared to be seen staring, Dan averts his eyes but not before noticing that the boy is smiling at him with the hint of laughter in his eyes. 

Utterly mortified, he covers his face with hands, laughing silently at his stupidity. He looks up again and the boy is no longer looking at him, but the smile is still on his face. As if seeing Dan’s movement, the boy turns back to him, mouthing “smooth”. Dan mouths an embarrassed “thanks” back before averting his eyes, trying to avoid the awkward moment where neither of them know if it’s time to end the conversation or not.

The rest of the train ride goes pretty quickly. When Dan’s stop approaches, he moves to the central swarm of people next to the doors. He notes that the beautiful boy is still there and he wonders where his final stop is. Part of Dan really wants to talk to him or get his number. He’s worried that as soon as he gets off the train, he’ll never see him again. Most of Dan, however, is too utterly terrified to even look at the beautiful creature again. He thinks it’s probably for the best because he’d just make a fool of himself and scare the boy off completely. 

The train pulls to a stop and Dan is carried with the swarm of people through the exit terminals and outside. The cold air hits Dan’s face, making his cheeks flush. Dan walks the rest of the way home with him mind completely taken over by images of the beautiful boy with blue eyes.


	2. Bliss

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry it took such a long time. I got swamped with work (had a huge history project) and then got a bit of writer's block. lol im such a hardcore writer wow look at me. Anyway! I really hope you enjoy it :D

# CHAPTER 2 

Dan stares at the floor of the classroom, anything to stop him looking at the clock. He’s found that the more the stares, the slower the hands move. He inspects the dark grey carpet while his Geography teacher rambles on about the formation of hurricanes. 

 

His mind drifts over everything and nothing in particular. As if moving on its own, Dan’s hand picks the pencil on his desk and start sketching in his textbook. The faint scratching of the pencil over the paper fills his ears and he’s lost in his thoughts. His mind wanders over to the boy from the tube yesterday. He wouldn’t say he has been preoccupied thinking of the boy, but he has definitely crossed his mind once or twice. Dan can’t help wondering if he’ll be on the tube again today. Maybe he won’t get on the last carriage even if he does take the same train. Being a pessimist and someone who is generally pretty proficient at math, Dan understands that the odds of seeing the beautiful boy again are not in his favour. He rolls his eyes at himself as he inwardly sniggers at the Hunger Games reference. 

 

After what seemed like eternity (okay maybe he’s exaggerating a little bit) the bell finally goes. He moves to put his pens and textbook away and catches sight of the doodles in the margin. Without realising it, Dan had drawn the boy’s face, complete with the emo fringe and sexy smirk. For the second time in the last 5 minutes, Dan rolls his eyes at himself. 

 

“Whatcha looking at there, Punk?” Dan feels a strong hand hit his shoulder. Recognising the voice, Dan turns around smiling to see his friend Chris standing in front of him, grinning. Next to him stands PJ who is, as usual, lost in a song that is clearly playing in his mind, his hands tapping out the silent beat against his leg. 

 

“Contemplating my decisions to be friends with you, you dork.” Dan retorts, jokingly. 

 

“Who said we were friends?” asks Chris, raising one of his eyebrows and smirking in mock sass. Dan feigns offense and turns his back on his friends to pack his books back into his galaxy backpack. As they walk out the classroom, Dan halfheartedly listens to Chris babble on about how he is convinced the Geography teacher secretly practices witchcraft and wants them all dead. 

 

Before he knows it, the three of them are at the school gates. 

 

“And the party on Friday night?” Dan hears Chris ask. Somewhere in the babble Dan recalls Chris talking about a party happening on Friday. Dan probably won’t go. He doesn’t have much taste for a bunch of underage teenagers drinking to make themselves seem cool. He gives Chris a shy shrug, knowing his friend will understand that it means no. 

 

“Well, I for one am definitely keen. What about you, Peej?” Chris looks at the other boy expectantly. 

 

“Wha- hmmm?” comes the response. Chris and Dan can’t help but laugh as they know the boy hadn’t been paying attention at all. 

 

“Felix’s party? Friday? You coming?” 

 

“Uh yeah sure,” replies PJ, clearly caught off guard. 

 

“Great! Anyway, hate to love and leave ya Dan but we better be heading off. See you tomorrow!” Chris waves and him and PJ start walking towards their houses. As grateful as Dan is for their friendship, he can’t help but feel just a little bit left out. The two of them live opposite each other and Dan’s well aware that they’re closer to each other than Dan is to either of them. He doesn’t mind particularly, but it would be nice to have a friend like that. 

 

Dan makes his way to the tube station, feeling the pain of routine setting in. He wouldn’t go as far as to say he feels trapped, but he definitely doesn’t feel free. The world is before him but he’s stuck doing things he _has_ to do, like homework and studying for exams. His life seems too dictated for him and it feels like he’s losing his choice. 

 

With those thoughts on his mind, he sits at the station waiting for the tube. He’s slightly early and gets out his phone, mentally preparing himself for the message from his mother. When he sees there isn’t one, a small flower of hope blooms inside him and he smiles as he gets out his earphones. He plugs them in and puts his phone on shuffle. 

 

The tube arrives and Dan ambles towards it amidst the mob of people coming back from work or wherever. He moves through the tangle of people and walks to the back, as usual. Still listening to his music, he aimlessly taps the tune against the pole he’s holding onto. He gazes at the people around him. There are some familiar faces: the skateboarder kid from school a couple years below Dan, the waitress from the restaurant down the road, and a few others. Dan can’t help but wonder what their lives are like, are they also suffering through a path dictated to them? Or do some of them experience true spontaneity? 

 

As the train pulls up to the next station, Dan can’t help but feel the slight butterflies in his chest as he worries if he’ll see the boy again. He concentrates on staring at the floor and trying not to examine each passenger as they board, not wanting to seem overly eager, or appear like he’s waiting for the boy at all.

 

“Holding on this time?” he hears a quiet and friendly voice say in front of him. Dan jumps, not expecting to be spoke to. He looks up quickly to see the beautiful blue eyed boy looking at him from about a meter away. Dan laughs nervously and averts his eyes, not wanting to get lost in the boy’s beauty. Internally, Dan is screaming. He remembered Dan. He was on the tube again. He was standing right in front of him. 

 

The rest of the tube ride is a blur as Dan got lost in his thoughts of the boy in front of him and the music in his ears. During the first part of the journey, Dan is completely concentrated on trying to play it cool. He is focused on the ground in front of him, not daring to look up and trying his hardest not to make a fool of himself again. As the journey progresses, Dan becomes more relaxed. He lets the music take over the thoughts in his head, getting lost in the beauty. 

 

Without realising it, Dan starts softly humming to the tune of the song he’s listening to: Bliss by Muse. After the bus pulls up at Dan’s stop, he realises his awful mistake and desperately wants to crawl in a hole for eternity. He hates it when people sing in public and now he’s done exactly that. He silently prays that it was too quiet for anyone to hear. He couldn’t have been doing it for long, maybe just the last minute or so. He curses himself, feeling like a fool while in the company of the beautiful creature in front of him. 

Wanting to get off the train as quickly as possible, Dan moves himself through the crowd. He glances up to get a sneak peak of the boy before he walks past. The boy is looking out the window, clearly lost in his thoughts. Dan can’t help but admire his porcelain skin and startlingly blue eyes that, in this light, seem to have a touch of green and yellow in them too. Dan moves quickly, not wanting the boy to notice and not wanting to miss his stop. He pushes himself through the doors just in time and out into the station, feeling the familiar hubbub around him. 

 

Dan wanders through the tube station and out onto the street. Everything is familiar: the cold air, the smell of car fumes, the same dull houses. With a sigh, Dan continues along the well known streets towards his house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave kudos and a comment if you think it's worthy ^.^


	3. Galaxies on the Ceiling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woah this became so much more angsty than I intended. Please let me know if you hate it/ love it. Thanks for all the support, you guys are the best! ^.^

# CHAPTER 3

Dan walks down the half-empty streets, taking note of the cold wind seeping through his clothing sending shivers over his body. As he walks, he tries to keep his mind as blank as possible. He lets the images of the people walking around him to swirl around his brain without paying specific attention to any of them. He is trapped in the emptiness of his mind, which is often the best time of his day. 

 

By the time Dan reaches the door to his house, he feels almost at peace. He had tried to put the idea of the impending dinner out of his mind. Now that he’s here, it consumes his thoughts. It’s not like it’ll be particularly bad, it can just be so tiring, constantly putting on a fake smile and telling his mom that school is fine, his work is fine, and no, he still doesn’t know what he wants to do next year. Dan takes the key out of his pocket and unlocks the door. 

 

“Home.” he shouts up to Adrian whose bedroom is on the second floor. 

 

Dan wouldn’t say their house was big, it was just tall. On the ground floor was the kitchen/dining room/lounge. Second floor was Adrian’s room and his parent’s room and bathrooms. The attic was Dan’s room. Dumping his keys on the counter, he clambers up the stairs taking them two at a time. He passes Adrian’s room and receives an unenthusiastic “Sup” from his younger brother who is lying on his bed, clearly engrossed in his laptop. Dan smiles back at him and continues up to the attic. 

 

Dan’s room is cramped, and in some places the A-frame ceiling is too low for Dan to stand properly. Aside from the mild inconvenience of bending over when he walks close to his bed, Dan really likes his room. The ceiling is painted black (“like his soul” he always jokes) and is decorated with glow-in-the-dark stars. He enjoys lying awake at night, staring at the artificial universe above his head. There’s a black rug on the floor that’s really fluffy and often serves as an alternative to his bed when Dan is too hot to lie under blankets. Across one wall, there’s a bookcase filled with Dan’s favourite books, CDs, Xbox games, and DVDs. Around the room, lay piles of discarded clothes that Dan has been too lazy to pack bad in his cupboards. 

 

Dan throws his phone onto the black and white covers of his bed and dumps his bad against a wall. He pulls out his physics homework and stares at the force equations in front of him. Too bored to work out the velocity of the 20 tonne train, Dan resorts to retrieving his laptop from next to his desk and immediately opens Tumblr. 

 

After scrolling for what felt like 10 minutes but was probably around 2 hours, he hears the click of the keys in the lock and the front door open. His suspicions were proven untrue as his mom actually was home for dinner and hadn’t just forgotten to text him to cook dinner. 

 

Knowing Adrian isn’t completely comfortable when their mother is home; Dan creeps downstairs as quietly as possible and knocks softly on his brother’s bedroom door that is slightly ajar. 

 

“Mmmh,” answers Adrian. His younger brother knows that it’s Dan and his answer was his way of telling Dan that he would appreciate the company. Dan enters the room and makes an effort to lighten the air, as if to take Adrian’s mind off the gigantic elephant in the house. Wait. Did he just call his mother an elephant? Oops. 

 

“What you watching?” Dan asks nonchalantly, flopping down on the bed next to Adrian. 

 

“Criminal Minds,” Adrian mumbles, not taking his eyes off the screen. The younger boy tilts his head slightly away from Dan, indicating that the older boy could take the earphone out of his ear. Dan complies and listens to Hotch giving a profile on the particular unsub in Florida. Dan relaxes into the pillow and tries to concentrate on the show, not the clanging of pots downstairs where his mother is trying to make dinner. 

 

After finishing that episode and getting half- way through the next one, the shout from their mother jolts both of them out of their peaceful reality, telling them that dinner is ready. Adrian snuggles further into the bed, seemingly wanting to disappear. 

 

“Come,” Dan says gently, getting out of bed and offering his hand to help the younger boy up. With an almost inaudible sigh, Adrian moved his laptop off his lap and reached up for Dan’s hand. The boys walked out the room and downstairs in silence.

 

Still wanting to keep his brother upbeat, Dan pushes Adrian gently on the shoulder as they reach the last step, causing him to stumble. Adrian dramatically holds onto the railing with his feet still on the last stair but his body close to the floor, pretending like the railing is the only thing between life and death, trying to keep a straight face as he giggles up at Dan. Laughing absurdly, Dan prises Adrian’s fingers from the railing and slowly lowers him onto the ground so that the younger boy is lying flat on his back. Dan gently places his foot on Adrian’s stomach and in his best impression, shouts “K.O” causing Adrian to burst out laughing. 

 

“Boys. Dinner.” Instructs their mother curtly, never being one to see the fun in situations. Dan reaches out his hand and lifts Adrian off the floor. They take their seats at the table and wait silently for their mother to join them. 

 

Most of the meal goes by in silence. Dan’s mother asks about school and both boys reply that it’s fine. It’s never a particularly cheerful occasion, however, Dan appreciates the effort she makes and is grateful that she’s here for dinner. 

 

After they’ve finished, Dan clears the plates and stacks them in the dishwasher before retreating upstairs. He peaks his head around Adrian’s door and smiles a goodnight to his younger brother before climbing up to his room. He crawls into bed after showering and changing into his Sonic pyjamas (what a nerd). His mind wanders as he stares at the galaxies above his head. Maybe, just maybe, Dan will see that beautiful boy tomorrow and the thought leaves the ghost of a smile across his lips as he drifts off to sleep. For the second time in as many nights, Dan falls asleep with the image of piercingly kind blue eyes at the forefront of his thoughts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave a comment and Kudos if you enjoyed it :D ((I feel like a youtuber constantly asking for these likes omggg I'll stop)


	4. Paper

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all the kind messages. You guys are lovely xxx

# CHAPTER 4

Dan’s eyes shot open. Unaware of what jolted him from his sleep, he gazed at the glowing galaxies above his head and listened carefully. He heard a shuffling downstairs; keys being dumped on a table, cupboard doors being opened. Tiredly and still half asleep, Dan glanced over at his alarm clock next to his bed. 

 

11:39. His father was finally home from work. 

 

Dan sighed and rolled over, letting his mind drift back to sleep. 

 

06:35: The incessant beeping of Dan’s alarm clock woke him from his dreams. Dan rubs his eyes and stares straight ahead. The images of his dreams float across his mind. He was trapped inside a glass box that was becoming increasingly smaller and smaller. He remembers watching the world outside pass him by and having no control of changing anything. 

 

With a groan, Dan rolled out of bed and changed for school. He threw on his standard black skinny jeans and chose a classy black hoodie before plugging in his straightener to control the ‘Hobbit hair’ that had inevitably invaded his head overnight. Waiting for the straightener to heat up, Dan ambled to the bathroom downstairs that he shared with Adrian and brushed his teeth, splashed his face and tried his best to remove the sleep out of his eyes. He climbed back upstairs and began the tedious process of straightening his hair. 

 

After his hair was suitably cooperating, ish, Dan grabbed his school bag and unplugged his phone from the charger. Giving a last glance to the comfort of his room, Dan walked out of his room and closed the door, unnecessarily paranoid about his internet search history. On approaching Adrian’s room, Dan knocked on the door and stuck his head inside just to check that his brother was up and nearly ready for school. 

 

“You really don’t need to check on me,” came the slightly irritated reply from Adrian. 

 

“Come on, you know you need it,” Dan replied, smirking as he looked at his brother who was still in bed. Adrian playfully glared at Dan in mock anger and threw a Plushie of Toad from Mario Kart at the door. With a quiet chuckle, Dan closed the door and thumped the rest of the way downstairs. 

 

Seeing the kitchen empty, Dan dropped his bag near the front door. He opened the cupboard doors and poured himself a bowl of cereal. He grumbled to himself as he saw that Adrian had helped himself to some and the bag was now half empty. 

 

Dan sat at the kitchen table and enjoyed the sugary mouthfuls that he was pretty sure would kill him one day. Dan was overcome by a cringe attack after thinking about the tube ride yesterday. Hummed. He had hummed. On the tube. In front of the most beautiful person he had probably ever seen. He felt what could only be described as an emotion between slightly awkward and genuine trauma. His body collapsed in strange convulsive spasms just thinking about it.The averagely enthusiastic complacence of the morning had now be replaced by complete and utter embarrassment and pain. 

 

“Ummmmm, you having a seizure, Dan?” asks Adrian, standing extremely confused in the doorway. 

 

“Oh, no, just thought I had a spider on me,” replied Dan without turning around to look at his brother. Fantastic. Another embarrassing memory to repress for later. He quickly busied himself with finishing his cereal. 

 

After successfully repressing the memory and finishing his cereal, Dan was walking towards the tube station with Adrian tagging along next to him. The tube ride was regular. The walk to school was nothing special. 

 

“Sup!” greeted Chris way too enthusiastically for a Thursday morning. Dan gave a half-hearted smile in response and sat tiredly in the seat next to PJ. 

 

“So you sure about Friday, Dan? Felix said that Louise will be there. And I think Troye is coming too. Come on please. It’ll be so much fun.” Chris looks pleadingly at Dan. 

 

Not wanting to disappoint his friend, Dan replied “Okay fine. But only because of Louise, I don’t actually care about you losers.” 

 

“Yay!” shouted Chris, ignoring the fake insult from Dan.

 

“Hey, you think it’ll be okay if we all chill at your house the party?” PJ asked, turning to face Dan. 

 

“Yeah I’m sure it’ll be fine” Dan nodded and smiled at his friends. 

 

The rest of the conversation flowed casually until the bell rang. None of the boys were feeling particularly excited for class and so the trudge towards math went far too quickly. Before long, their heads were being swamped with Calculus and the drawing of cubic graphs. Fun. [Quick author’s note lol I actually really love maths who am I wow] 

 

English was definitely a subject that excited Dan. After some stalking, Dan was absolutely obsessed with Stacey-Ann Chin. As they studied her slam poem, Dan couldn’t help loving her more and more. He’d discovered that she has a daughter, Zuri, and they make YouTube videos together about anything and everything. ([HERE]()) Dan would love to be someone with that must passion and enthusiasm about life. Or something. 

 

Before anything gets too deep and plunges him into an existential crisis, Dan moves his thoughts to the boy on the train. It seems to be happening often. As a way to escape an uncomfortable situation, Dan likes to cast his mind back to the friendly voice, the kind eyes and the beautiful smile of him. Somewhere, Dan knows that this is most definitely a bad idea and that this fixation can only end badly, but there was a comfort in the boy’s smile that Dan couldn’t quite ignore. 

 

As ridiculous as it seems, Dan found himself more excited than usual for the day to end so that he could see the beautiful boy again and spend those precious 30 minutes on the tube near to him. After quick replies to PJ and Chris, Dan made his regular walk to the tube station. 

 

His mind was pretty much blank until they stopped at the boy’s station. Dan couldn’t help feeling nervous and he wasn’t sure why. The boy boarded the tube. Immediately Dan spotted him, mainly because of his massive height. Today he was wearing black skinny jeans and a buttoned up blue and green chequered shirt. He looked undeniably beautiful. As usual. 

 

Dan tried not to stare as the boy walked down the aisle towards his regular standing place. Dan got out his phone, careful not to drop it and also to keep holding onto the railing. Of course, the usual text from his mom was there, and another one from Adrian. 

 

“Thanks for last night.” 

 

Dan knew Adrian wasn’t one for talking about feelings all too much and so he knew this message was a big deal. Not wanting to push it and make the situation uncomfortable, Dan didn’t reply. 

 

The journey seemed to pass quickly. Dan was positively riveted to hear that The Pretentious Jock shouted at someone in the office today for printing the notes for the meeting with single spacing instead of double. The Jock had expressed to the employee that he had no preference over spacing previously, and he found it exceptionally hilarious to contradict himself and then scare the workers. Dan couldn’t help but roll his eyes. 

 

As the train drew near to Dan’s stop, he started moving towards the large clump of people. In some strange mix of fate, as Dan moved past him, the beautiful boy moved as well, causing them to bump into each other slightly. 

 

Dan could feel his face immediately heat up and he knew he was bright red. He really didn’t want to cause a scene and definitely didn’t want to stick around for awkward apologies. After muttering a series of ‘I’m sorry’s, Dan scurried towards the doors and onto the platform. 

 

On the walk home, Dan tried his hardest not to think about the soft feeling of the boy against him or the way Dan felt so secure in his grip. Dan desperately didn’t want to think about how close their faces were and if Dan had tilted his face up just a bit…

 

No. It was an awkward misunderstanding and badly timed mistake. Nothing more. 

 

Arriving at home, Dan went through the usual routine of greeting Adrian and plodding upstairs to him room. Exhausted from the uncontrollable spinning in his mind, Dan dug his hands into his pockets and flopped down onto the bed. 

 

Lying there, Dan felt his hand brush against something that hadn’t been there before. A torn off piece of paper, maybe. Cautiously, Dan pulled it out and his stomach went in somersaults. The paper read: 

 

“Bliss. Not a bad choice. I prefer New Born tbh.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think. I'm unsure about if this story is too forced. I'm used to writing far more descriptively than narratively, so this feels a bit weird for me but tell me if you love it or hate it. Please, all feedback is appreciated :)


	5. New Born

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the amazing response from you guys! It really means the world to me.
> 
> I know you asked for longer chapters but this ended really nicely here, but I promise next chapter will be longer!
> 
> Also a s/o to my incredible friend, Lailan, who helped me through my really really mini hiatus (of like two days) and for always being there for me to bounce ideas off.

# CHAPTER 5

Dan stared at the piece of paper in his fingers for what seemed like hours. He wanted to memorise the beautiful handwriting, the way the f curled and the ts crossed. There was something about the handwriting that had him transfixed. Although, everything about that boy had Dan transfixed. 

 

Dan was almost too scared to move over to his computer and search the song. The most irrational fears plagued his mind unnecessarily. _What if the song didn’t actually exist and it was all a joke?_ and _Maybe it's a secret search to a weird virus that’ll attack my computer?_ Most of all was the fear: 

 

_What if I don’t like it?_

 

Dan knew some of Muse’s songs. He liked Bliss and a couple of others from Origin of Symmetry, but he hadn’t looked for any more songs. He didn’t know if New Born was more recent or older or maybe from the same album. He didn’t know if he wanted to know. 

 

Dan had built up such a character profile in his head about the beautiful boy. He had the perfect imagine in front of him: they’d like the same video games and music and anime. What if this song was different to the other Muse ones? What if Dan really didn’t like it? It would be heartbreak in an obscure way. 

 

Dan had the tendency to avoid feelings at all costs and so he lay on his bed for a long time, arguing with himself. Schrodinger’s Song. It is simultaneously the best and worst song he’s ever heard if he never listens to it. And maybe it’ll be better if it stayed that way. And so he stayed in bed. The world seemed to be separate from him for a long time. He heard the screeching tires and blaring horns from the road, but he didn’t really register anything. The minutes crawl by and Dan is entertained only by the solemn ticking of the clock on his wall. 

 

5:15. Tick. Tick. _Maybe it’ll be good_

 

5:30. Tick. _What if it’s not?_

 

5:45. Tick. Tick. Tick. _Does it matter if I enjoy it?_

 

6:05. Tick. Tick. _What did he mean by the note?_

 

6:17. Tick. _Was it even from him after all?_

 

That thought shoots through Dan’s brain like an electric shock. His eyes fly open. This whole time he has assumed it was from him. What if it wasn’t? What if it was from some random stranger that wanted him to listen to that sing? What if the boy didn’t remember who Dan was at all?

 

That made Dan’s decision. He had to listen to it. And then maybe it would give Dan the courage to talk to the boy about it tomorrow on the tube. Forcing himself out of bed and ignoring the voice inside him that was paranoid that it would be bad, Dan walked resolutely over to his desk and opened his laptop. He had to do this fast before he lost all prior determination and courage. 

 

Waiting for the computer to boot up, Dan jiggled his leg impatiently, terrified he wouldn’t end up going through with this. Password. Safari. Youtube. Search bar. “Muse New Born”. Dan hovered his mouse over the first icon, doubt for a moment overtaking his conviction. [7UY888888888888888888 I’m sorry, that was written by my cat and I just didn’t have the heart to delete his contribution] He gazed at the icon. Without thinking and just forcing himself to act, Dan clicked on the video and waited for the music to fill his ears. 

 

The song began with piano in a similar style to that of Bliss. Dan felt a small part of his tension disappear as he watched the orbs of light travel across the video. It was the Muse he knew. It was the similar style. Everything was okay. Dan fell against the back of his chair, unaware he had been sitting up so straight, as he heard the familiar sound of Matt Bellamy’s voice. It was beautiful. 

 

Dan was just thinking that the song was slightly too gentle for his usual taste when his laptop speakers exploded with an incredible guitar riff. The tempo had changed and the music was beautifully loud. The guitar was playing the same tune as the piano was at the beginning of the piece but it was loud and harsh and brilliant. Dan loved it. The vocals. The drum. The bass. The impressive electric guitar solo. He never wanted it to end. 

 

As the final chords faded into silence, Dan couldn’t help but smile. Maybe it was from the beautiful boy and maybe it wasn’t. Dan didn’t really care in that moment. He’d been introduced to one of those songs that you want to appreciate every second of. Maybe he loved it so much because Dan thought it was from the boy. Either way, Dan was in a good mood when he heard the soft knocking on his door. 

 

Dan turned and smiled at his brother standing shyly in his doorway. Dan had always told him that he could come to Dan’s room any time and there was no need to knock but the younger boy always felt shy about doing it. Adrian gave a big smile back, clearly reassured, and walked into the room, flopping down on Dan’s bed. 

 

“Can we have pizza tonight?” he asked with a not-so-subtle desperation in his voice. 

 

“Of course,” Dan smiled warmly. “How was school today?” 

 

“Boring. Apparently Kirsten has already gone to third base with this guy in your year.” 

 

“Did you hear it from Kirsten herself?” asked Dan carefully.

 

“Well no, but everyone is talking about it,” replied Adrian matter-of-factly. 

 

“And do you think it is okay to tell everyone about something that you aren’t sure of?” Adrian just hung his head, clearly realising his mistake. “Even if she did, don’t you think she shouldn’t be shamed for that?” Dan spoke gently, desperately not wanting Adrian to feel like this is a lecture. 

 

“Save the lecture, Dan. I know what slut shaming is: I do have Tumblr.”

 

“Oh yeah? What’s your URL?” Dan smirked, trying to lighten the mood. 

 

“Oh like I’m definitely going to tell you,” Adrian joked back. “Just get me the pizza, then we can talk.” 

~~~~~~~~~~~  
~~~~~~~~~~~

The boys are sitting on Dan’s bed, pizzas on laps, and watching the latest episode of How to Get Away with Murder. Dan can’t help feeling incredibly content. Ignoring the work that seems to be piling up and the strange parent-dynamics, Dan feels like his life might actually be going somewhere. Sitting there, the worries and stresses seem to have disappeared (for now) and there’s a happiness inside him. 

 

Dan looks over at Adrian. His brother is watching the show avidly and completely forgotten about his pizza in his lap. He smiles as he sees the same happiness in the younger boy.

 

“No but but but no why” comes the flurry of words from Adrian. Dan quickly turns his attention back to the screen, clearly something important was happening. 

 

“No but xxxxxx. He can’t do that. Why would he do that? I swear if he xxxxxx xxx, I’m going to boycott the show.” Adrian grumbles loudly. Dan couldn’t help but laugh at his brother’s personal commitment to the show and all the characters. 

 

“You spoon; you just care because you want to fuck him.” Dan jokes, playfully nudging Adrian in the ribs.

 

“Oh yeah like you’re straight yourself,” mocks Adrian, nudging Dan back in the ribs. 

 

“Like anyone is actually straight these days,” counters Dan, stealing a piece of pizza from Adrian’s box. 

 

“Hey we have the exact same pizza, eat your own!” exclaims Adrian in mock offense. 

 

“Nerd,” teases Dan.

 

“Loser,” is the reply. 

 

The boys continue watching the show, both of them pleased at the nonchalance of their banter and content for the joking confessions were not made into a big deal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed! I also really love New Born, although I'm sure that was obvious haha. All the love ^.^


	6. Explanations

Hey guys, Tara here. 

I won't be posting here for a while. Maybe I'll post because it's a way to cope. I really have no idea. I'm going through some really shitty stuff at the moment and struggling to get out of bed every morning. 

Just wanted to warn you that i probably won't update for at least a month. I also have Hell Week coming up with school work. Maybe this will be my procrastinaiton. 

Thanks for understanding and reading this :) I hope to come back soon. 

Love you all


	7. Party

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone. Wow I'm finally back. I'm extremely sorry for taking so long and making you guys wait. Good news: I'm not actually dead and will be trying to update more often. Life is still hectic (as always) but I'll try my best. Thanks for sticking by me and once again, I'm super sorry. Enjoy xx

# CHAPTER 6

Dan sits awkwardly on his bed, jiggling his leg in the way that always annoys people. PJ and Chris should be here soon. He doesn't want to start doing something and be interrupted by the doorbell. So, the wait. His mind begins to wander and he pushes it from the beautiful boy on the tube. He is trying to make sure he doesn't get too attached. If that will actually work is another question altogether. Surprisingly, he's quite excited for the party tonight. With so much on his mind (the person he definitely is not thinking about, school work, his future, his parents, the ever present existential dread), it'll do him good to let go and relax for once. 

When he just on the verge on falling into day-dream sleep mode, the doorbell jolts Dan awake. Dan falls back on his bed and stares at the ceiling for a precious few seconds, getting himself into an energetic and non-sleep mode so he isn't a total downer for his friends. Jumping off the bed with new found energy, Dan springs down the stairs, playing the beat to New Born on the walls. He's feeling strangely unlike himself, but not too unhappy about it. He opens the door and finds PJ and Chris grinning gleefully on his doorstep. 

"Danny boyyyyy!" shouts Chris pulling him into a hug. 

"Sup," smiles PJ, reaching over to scruffle Dan's hair. Dan, used to this after many years of friendship, catches PJ's wrist before he has the chance. 

"I spent a good hour and a half on this hair. We'll never get to the party if you make me do it again!" Dan replies as the three of them burst out laughing. 

"Dweeb" jokes Chris, pushing Dan into the doorway and walking into the house. PJ is carrying a six pack of beers and Chris is carrying half a bottle of vodka. Definitely a chilled night ahead, thinks Dan with a bit of anticipation. 

Half an hour later, the three of them are chilling in Dan's room, talking shit while PJ carefully inspects himself in the mirror. They have been having an intense conversation about whether the blue or the red shirt looks better. Chris, always the one to goof around, changes his mind to the other colour every time PJ decides on one. Dan is sitting on the bed laughing to himself and agreeing with whatever Chis is saying which seems to be driving PJ just a little crazy.

"Come on!" he yells, throwing the discarded blue shirt at Chris' face. Chris catches it mid air and holds it up in front of him.

"You know, this isn't a bad shirt, I might prefer it to the red," challenges Chris with a small smirk.

"Shut up," cries PJ, laughing at his stupidity of listening to Chris being ridiculous. "I'm not changing again, I'm wearing the blue and that's final!"

"Well, if you won't wear it, then I will. Watch me look sexier than you in it," without waiting for a response, Chris swiftly pulls his own shirt over his head. Dan, watching PJ's reaction with quiet amusement, could swear the older boy kept his eyes on Chris just slightly longer than he would have expected. He shook his head, assuming he probably was seeing things. Chris, now wearing the red shirt, got up from Dan's desk chair and began modelling for the other two, exaggerating a pose and pulling an awful pouting face at the end of his "runway". The three of them burst out laughing as Chris twirls his hips.

"Hate to end the episode of _Britain's Next Top Model_ but it's already 7, we should probably get going soon." says Dan, still slightly laughing and not really wanting this time to end.

" Yeeees, time to get fuuuuucked" shouted Chris, pulling a rock on sign with his fingers. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At around 7:45 the three of them arrived at Felix's house, the music was already pounding and there were groups of slightly tipsy teenagers hanging around the garden, chatting and smoking. Dan felt the usual butterflies in his stomach, always nervous when it came to socialising and big parties. Felix bounced gleefully to the door and greeted everyone with huge smiles and his usual cheerful voice. It seemed like it should be a good night. Rushing past Felix, Louse immediately pulls Dan into a massive hug, pulling him back and surveying him, pretending to be that estranged aunt who always seemed to think you've changed hugely since you last saw her. 

"Look how much little Danny has grown!" Louise squeals, putting on a posh accent and everyone begins to laugh. Although Louise is probably the closest friend that Dan has, they hardly ever see each other because she goes to a different school on the other side of London. Dan smiles happily at her and feeling the usual comfort with being reunited with her.

Smiling, Louise greets the other two and the four of them stand chatting in the hallway. Felix was talking happily about a new game he's been playing, as well as his ambitions to study film when he graduates. Chris chimes in that Felix is not allowed to crash on his couch when Felix is broke, with tons of student debt, and no work. The usual fear drifted across Dan's mind. Acting wouldn't get him far. He got decent marks. He could choose another career where the future was more secure. That was the real problem, wasn't it? Dull and safe or passionate and risky? Maybe he could find passion in something safe.

Louise knows Dan better than anyone and clearly understood what was going through his mind. She gently touched his sleeve. When Dan looked over, she motioned with her eyes for them to go somewhere else. Louise was someone knew he could always count on and it was really reassuring. They made their way through the tangles of people and straight for the drinks table

"Come, drink, you have too much worrying your pretty little mind" cooed Louise, laughing to herself. Dan poured himself and Louise a drink each and handed a cup to her. 

"Let's get outa here sweetheart," replied Dan, equally creepily and the two of them burst out laughing. 

Dan and Louise had been friends since preschool. Apparently, according to their parents, they got married when they were both 4 years old. He can't remember that specifically, but he does have a few memories of their times together, all of them full of laughter and happiness. One of his favourite memories was when, after finding out a tree in the park nearby was going to be cut down, they climbed all the way to the top and refused to move unless the park owner could assure them the tree would stay. They lasted around 5 hours sitting and talking and daydreaming before realising they needed food and a comfortable night's sleep.

Dan found himself smiling at the memory as they made their way through the huddles of people into the garden. After a few minutes of broken eavesdropping of passing conversations, they eventually found a relatively quiet place. They sat down on the grass. Dan was staring at the stars, or what was left of them behind the cloud of brightness of London. Louise sat next to him in a contemplative silence. What Dan has always appreciated about their friendship was the realness. There was no need to erect a facade of happiness or desperately fill the quiet with meaningless small talk. They knew each other well enough to know when silence was the most powerful sentence.

What Dan also appreciated was the lack of expectations. Apart from a clearly serious romance at age 4, neither of them, nor their parents or friends, expected anything more than a close friendship. They each had their own reasons for keeping it just that. Dan, and he was sure Louise felt the same, didn't want to lose such a special friend. Besides, neither of them were remotely interested in each other. They friendship was filled with childish silliness and tearful seriousness and everything in between. 

They sat, listening to their chatter of their peers, lost in thoughts and imaginations. Eventually, Dan broke the silence. "Decisions are intimidating." he finally said, offering only that as his explanation. It was more than enough to convey the message.

Louise didn't answer for a long time. Dan wasn't the easier to deal with when he was like this. He was too smart, or cynical, to see through any of Louise's consolations and assurances that everything would turn out okay. He was too smart for his own good. Whatever solution Louise presented to him, he'd likely have already thought of it, and found the reason why it ultimately wouldn't work or would be detrimental. She needed to choose her words carefully to make sure she didn't send him spiraling into maze of infinite wrong turns.

After a while, Louise reached over and gently put her arms around the younger boy. "Nothing is final," she whispered. She felt, after a few seconds, a tiny amount of tension release from Dan's tense shoulders. She knew she hadn't solved the problem, she hadn't even come close, but she had helped even the slightest bit and therefore it was valuable. 

"Come," said Louise after a minute, jumping up with renewed enthusiasm, "I think the boys are starting a game of beer bong. Let's watch Chris get so trashed he starts stripping and telling everyone his secrets!"

Dan smiled as he took Louise's outstretched hand. It did seem like a good idea. 


End file.
